So far, I think I have three ideas/concepts that can be polished up to turn in. I’ve really been trying to think about what kinds of women I want to see as Super-Heroes but since this contest also revolves around a popularity contest, I’ve also been thinking about what kind of Super-Woman the populace at large wants to see….that’s a strange tightrope to balance.
And just when I was getting a bit too serious about the whole affair and perhaps overthinking it, I come across this bulletin from one of my MySpace friends (And yes, the people I have listed as friends are actually my friends, thank you very much!) that made me laugh out loud….
The following post was written by James Murray and since it was a bulletin and not a blog entry (and therefore will be deleted in ten days by Rupert Murdoch), I’m reposting it here in its entirety.
Jan 3, 2008 7:39 PM
10 super-powers that would actually be useful.
when it comes down to it, most of the superpowers you see in comic books and movies aren’t the sorts of abilities you’d want to have yourself. while on the surface it might seem kick-ass to possess retractable metal claws or brain-shattering psionic abilities, powers like these tend to place a person on government watch lists or morally obligate them to fight crime. plus, they can result in pesky accidents like stabbing your loved ones or having your body taken over by an alien lifeform. here are some mutant abilities that might actually prove useful in your daily life without some of the more apocalyptic side effects:
1. ultra liver function. with this power, you’ll be able to metabolize alcohol and clean your blood at 10 times the rate of a normal human being. you can slide tequila shot after jager shot down your throat without any concern that it might come back up in the morning, and move from power hours to power centuries with no hangovers or late-night trips to the ER. this power does, however, come with one drawback: it costs a hell of a lot money to get drunk.
2. the human condom. this power grants you the inability to contract, carry, or transmit any sexually transmitted infection, from genital warts to HIV. Although you’ll still require contraception, you can engage in sexual encounters relatively worry and health insurance-free. Plus, you’ll still be able to catch non-sexually transmitted ailments and enjoy the occasional guilt-free sick day.
3. wifi brain. plenty of people have wifi phones, but the wifi brain allows you to access the Internet instantly and discreetly. this is the perfect power for pub trivia, winning bets, and getting through boring meetings. the trick to this power is keeping it a secret – otherwise, your friends will constantly be asking you to check their myspace…or worse, mapquest…let’s just hope they don’t ask you to print directions.
4. gaydar. to prevent embarrassing social situations and avoid lengthy, unrequited crushes on persons of the wrong sexual orientation, gaydar would let you know the exact kinsey number of every individual in a quarter mile radius. an added bonus to this power would tell you whether a particular love-target has a significant other, and how likely they are to hook up with you.
5. polymorph clothing. if your clubbing clothes are out of date, you need to go to a formal dinner right after a work meeting, or you just need an awesome halloween costume, simply morph your clothing into the perfect outfit for the occasion. incidentally, if you happen to be one of those crime-fighting superheros, this is a much better way to hide your secret identity than wearing your spandex under your suit.
6. auto-response. the cure to the ever so annoying question “what are you thinking about?” this question is famous for being popped during the cuddle period after a session of hot monkey sex. we never say the right thing, but with auto-response, you’re sure to deliver a rapid and sufficient answer that will fail to leave your partner offended, disappointed, or encouraged to continue talking. if anything, they will be completely satisfied with your response, and will go to sleep. furthermore, auto-response ranks at a very high 99.9% accuracy to ‘yes or no’ questions.
7. humor ESP. you’ve got a great joke involving st. peter, a stripper, and a tricycle, but you’re not sure how it will go over with your boyfriend/girlfriends parents, whom you’ve only met once but get the feeling doesn’t really like you. your humor ESP will let you know whether the joke will end in laughs or a theological debate. this peculiar psychic ability also comes in handy when you want to come up with the exact line to scare off that buffalo butt at the bar who just won’t leave you alone.
8. mute button. silence crying babies, annoying street performers, crazy bums with megaphones, and cell phones that play “Fergalicious” by rendering them temporarily mute. tragically, this power would only work in person, meaning that morning talk show hosts, cable news pundits, and televangelists must still be silenced through conventional technological methods.
9. spam-off. this super-power would work as a huge remedy to the recent hurricane of spam-mail we have all been receiving in our inbox. just think, no more messages from brook and jessica about how you missed their web-cam show. more importantly, this filter is not limited to the world wide web, but also works in person. the next time your crazy roommate or co-worker goes on an ear-bleeding rant about god knows what, you can simply turn your spam-filter on, and your favorite shiny toy guns song emits from their mouth instead.
10. unlimited save/restores – just think – you get drunk and impregnate someone. whoops! restore to last night, and it never happened. same goes for driving at high speeds, reliving your favorite moments, or doing your whole life over again from the beginning, just to see how the whole causality thing works. you would be eternal, and you could restore and meet each and every one of the 6 billion people on the planet. you could also pick up that hot girl at the bar through trial and error – just like in Groundhog Day!
I’d definitely sign up for #2, 3, 4, 5, & 8. Funny, funny stuff. If you enjoyed this as much as I did, be sure to check out Mr. Murray’s FanClub for more thoughtful, incisive articles in a similar sardonic vein. Many people kvetch, it’s true. Not many know how to make it attractive.
Thanks for letting me post your writing, James!
oh yeah, the Super Powers artwork at the top is ©DC Comics, Inc.